time to be back on track. There are much to remind myself as this journey starts again. It will be very very hard, but I hope, with faith that one day I can look back and be proud of myself. 

There are more to be done besides mere talk. This will become a reminder for me as I need discipline in order to move on step by step. 

To be updated, cheers.

Great hiking trip today. lacking some fun though. While it was supposed to be a great catch up time with this friend of mine, it just turned into this awkward situation where we just kept walking without the minimum interaction. On top of that was the intervention of this other friend. From being invited, to being the photographer and driver, almost strictly, was no fun at all. Seriously, who would mind doing all these? The problem is, when these people didn't engage you much, but just asked you to take photos for them while there were many more strangers in this 23-person hiking trip who are willing to take a 3-people group photo for us, it was ridiculous. What do you think I am? or did you ever treasure my accompany or my presence at all?

This was a 23-person hike. With a bunch of strangers, there were little rooms for emotions. While they kept pontificating me on driving and summoning me for water and photos, I stared at the camera they handed me, and I did it. Yes, I did it with great disappointment. 

If I am of this value to you, I have no choice but to cater you the "service". It will just be an embarrassment for the whole party if I decided to get pissed out and looked all grumpy. But if you respect me, you should see it in my eyes. You SHOULD have see it.

 I am saddened, but I know who i am and what my value is. And the point is I am not one of those defeated ones out there on the street.

If you people wish to treat me in the particular way with all your creative stereotypes, be my guest. But I am not going to sit there pretending everything's cool. 

I will, and I guarantee, you will be crossed out from my friend however tough that feeling is. It is tough for me but make no mistake, you are the one to be blamed. While you say "see you soon", you might not notice it. but the smile on my face is no longer there. The truthful smile is long gone with your very own ignorance and our friendship. 

The corporate culture is a manifestation of man’s desire. It offers infinite profit but limited liability. It is an externalizing machine where cost is externalized through lowering working conditions of employees; using destructive measures to extract the maximize amount of resources; and transferring harmful by-products to minorities.

This is our culture. Yet, this corporate culture is so relevant to us that the majority of us do not dare to challenge the syste. We still buy Nike shoes made by kids in developing countries who earn quarters of dollar a day; we still drink, or rather enjoy Starbucks coffee purchased from Latin American and African farmers at prices that aren’t even enough to sustain their agricultural practices; we still demand higher dividend from corporations without questioning the morals behind the operations. After all, corporation ibecome a shield against our guilt and conscience - Corporations are supposed to maximize return by all means while the problems created by corporations are beyond our concerns. “We are shareholders only.” We said. Tragedy of the commons, unfortunately, applies here.

The issue boils down to the greed of man. The corporate system dilutes the moral concerns and conscience of shareholders, and in return, it compensates shareholders with foreseeable monetary return – the return that is tangible and ready to be enjoyed in our everyday life. The incentive is simply too seductive for people to question or to decline.

This is personal to me for I am a moral member of society, a student that honors wisdom, and a living creature with stake on this planet. My multiple identities are tearing me apart as I am contemplating this issue. It is almost impossible to not live upon this linear economic “system”. Yet, at the same time, I see the oxymoron behind this statement, and my conscience urges me to take action and vote against it.

It is sad to watch this documentary about corporate culture. I look around the class room but rather few students bear the same expression as mine. Some are on social websites, some are texting, and some are day-dreaming. I see and I feel the intensity of that moral impact. After all I am among those who are gifted with clear eyes. However, seeing the truth is not always a blessing. Nonetheless, I rather see the truth and go through this thinking process myself rather than ignoring all the facts and living in the world of wishful thinking.

Moths end up killing themselves in fire for 3 factors. They have the desire to reach the light; they have the ability to reach the light; and, most important, they lack the wisdom to know the consequence. Man has infinite desire. Man develops great ability to conquer the nature to fulfill his desire. Yet, not like the moth, man sees the consequences of his action. Before this sounds too good, man takes short term interest over the fatal consequence of their action.

It is up to me, it is up to you to do our part. At the end of the day, I thank my college has granted me knowledge and trained me to be an critical thinker. But at the same time, what good does it do if it creates echo in our heart but society failed to response?

This is the challenge.

Going to school; Hanging out; watch movie; homework; busy doing nothing...etc

I finally have some quiet time for myself to really seattle down and...just think and relax.

It was all about partying in the last two days. I am never good at picking gift; and I totally have no idea what this girl want. 2 hours of searching, I got her a necklace with her initial "K". What followed was a gift bag and a card. Ya, I GUESS she will like it just by intuition.

It was fun in the B-day party. A lot of drinks, a lot of beauties that I usually adore. Yet not much adrenaline rush at all. I am just waiting for this girl to arrive and want to enjoy myself as a part of the party. 1 hr later she arrived. She was gorgeous. We didn't chat a lot as she was the b-day girl - excuse of not knowing what to say. She was drunk that night. Yet I am hesitant to get in to her cab to take care of her. Yes, I screwed.

Two days later, i got a thank you for coming note. I want to reply but I don't know how. How does she actually feel? Did I scare her off that time? I have no clue. I then put myself to work. Maybe I will be distracted and not thinking of it.

It is funny, isn't it? I am always like a observer. I am the one who was not drunk in parties. Yet I see everyone having so much fun, why can't I? becuase I am always uptight. The problem is not the alcohol running in my blood. It is not a matter of being drunk or not. It is my lack of confidence. I am afraid of failure; I am afraid of rejections. And to rationalize it, I act like i am an observer - I am different. I observe and learn. Yet I am in a party where I am suppose to be happy. How pathetic.

Is culture a real factor? I don't think so. I am already in the crowd. I am accepted yet I don't acknowledge myself. Is it because of my appearance, my shape? I am not sure but this does not apply to common interactions between me and the opposite gender. So it should be my personality. I just lack something; maybe some spark - some iconic thing that represent me.

Who am I? I know I am Carl Chan. Yet Carl Chan just represent what I did, who I appear to be and the network that I poccess - Its a social identity. Carl Chan does not define me but I define myself, well, of coz with the enlightment of the Almighty one that I trust. But the point is, I have my part. what really represent me? I am just a typical student with part time job who hang out with different friends once a while. But what am I good at? Am I associated with something, anything, at all?

There are just too many question marks. I want to live simple and I want someone to empathize with me. And without doubt, I mean something beyond typical friendship. A partner, or more precisely a girl friend is what I am seeking for.

yet, another yet, this is the only thing I am clear of. I lack the tools to pursue the one that I want. I am disabled by values implanted since I was a kid. I feel the inability, the helplessness and the powerlessness.

I am sad, but I am trained to face these emotion, these negative emotion. I put them out now and continued my life with smile on my face. But deep inside. I am saddened.

What a beautful day. I am sitting in the empty court yard in front of the Foothill Library. I calm my heart, enjoy the\is peace day which God provides.

The sun is warm; the courtyard is quiet. I see birds chirp and chase around as if they were little couple. Squirrels play around with their long, flurry tails. Guess what they are after? they are after those little pine cones. They are saving up, one by one, so they can survive the winter. I wonder if I were them, I will probably give myself just one day of break. Why? because it is thanks giving. Just enjoy one or two of the cones that I collected. Enjoy the day. Then work extra hard the day after. At some point a man must know how to enjoy life, cherish life. How many of us realized the heart-warming sun when we are rushing to school? How many of us feel the gentle breeze of Fall when we are walking on the street. 

I don't.

That's why it is time to really see with our eyes, feel with our heart. It may only last for one day and we have to keep up with our life again. But just this one day can make a difference.

I am short in expressions. Time to stop and just enjoy this peaceful moment.

 I am thankful to see my beloved father who travel all the way from HK tonight. How about u?

Happy thanksgiving.